Having shot our PDC bolt it's now the comfort zone of the BDO at the lakeside. A place where dartitis and profuse high blood pressure mingle rightly with ending up in madhouse in a shower of reeking b.o. as it cascades down your skull.
Not even Colin Murray can ruin it or Tony referring to Wolfie in worrying snookeresse as "a young man". That's how amazing it all is. With each passing year Tony becomes more comfortable with the fact that alot of this coverage resides in the Lynchian hinterland of behind the red button. The booze references are basically non-stop these days - another thing elevating BDO over PDC - has Dave Clarke EVER been smashed in the practice room spooning a player's father/wife/sister? This is what Tony ends up doing straight after the aptly need 'afternoon session' every day there. The level of intimacy Tony now has with Daryl Gurney's father and sister is worthy of an epic poem.
The microphone inside the dartboard is the most sensitive on Earth
Tony Green's wheeze needs a meteorological nick name
Trina Gulliver – like a stalking butler, noting everything and crushing all attempts at resistance
Where’s Bobby George? Doing a convert your gold for cash ad on Sky.
Tony Green: “Ooooh, wrong bed – I know how he feels” - divorce + The Verve ‘On Your Own’ on repeat with a bottle in a bedsit to wash away the tears Tone? At least you get to spoon in the practice room. Or flashbacks to the wrong Bully’s Special Prize getting wheeled out on Bulls Eye?
Martin Fitzmaurice - MC, replying to “you fat bastard, you fat bastard…” jeers from the crowd – “GET IT RIGHT -you rich bastard”. BBC cut the sound at this point but you could see him continue to rip apart the dissenters for a couple of minutes. The Red Button facility really allows us behind the veil. This took place at 6.30 p.m. on Tuesday.
I think all BBC should be behind the red button. Then you could have programmes at 3 or more removes – behind 2 red buttons – “press both red buttons now”. For darts there would be microphones inside the sweat glands of the sweatiest players so we could hear that sweat form, roll and drip and instead of only allowing us to see player’s reactions as they miss doubles we could have multiple camera shots of audience members' faces at the bar when they are passed over for another punter by the barman, of cameramen reaching for the antidepressants as we listen to the editor threaten them repeatedly to show more close ups of 40 something alkies in the crowd who aren’t even aware that darts is being played, of Tony’s face as The Count throws bats into the crowd, of Booby’s heart rate at the mere mention of anyone called Colin.. life would be so much better this way..
What to do about a problem called Colin- lime or acid?
Just in case these two cancel each other out somewhat – vitamin C after acid anyone? – we’ll leave it up to Bobby. Stubbsy’s precedent CANNOT be used. He hung around lobotomised by class guilt mumbling, bumbling and (the key) getting paunchier by the pint. Bobby eventually embraced the Stubbs and clearly enjoyed their uneasy repartee to the extent where, had ESPN not stepped in; it was all going to become a tad sickening. 24 hour Team America bileing would of course be vastly preferable to the scenario before us now. Stubbsy’s romance of Bobby is undoable for Colin. A perfect example of how wrong his presence is came in the immediate aftermath of the Waites – Phillips Semi. The Lakeside barometer of hate is the wink. How many times did Waites, Bobby and Phillips wink at each other before replying to or ignoring another one of Colin’s high pitched rants? It was impossible to keep track. He laid into Waites– clearly an elective TV mute – forcing him to comment on things no one could ever have feelings on. Bobby was even more scundered than when Colin laboured his point about how huggable Chizzers was. If Bobby says a man is huggable you leave it alone. You don’t string it out to the point of humiliation and you don’t ask a man who doesn’t want to speak to assess (Hazel Style) how far he’s come in this tournament – from a talking in front of the camera perspective.
It is a desperate situation but Bobby cannot be suffering as horrifically as JP clearly is at the snooker. Hazel has deteriorated to the point where even Steve looks weary.
Is a putsch too much too hope for?
